Boundaries are a healthy and important part of any relationship. Healthy boundaries are empowering and promote self-responsibility, and ultimately lead to closer and more fulfilling relationships. We hear a lot about boundaries today and this is often a hot topic in the world of mental wellness and personal development. There’s also a lot of misconceptions out there. In this module, we will spend some time exploring what boundaries are (and are not), why you need them, and how and when to set them.

Definition: A boundary is something that you create for yourself. We use boundaries to make clear what we will tolerate and accept in our lives. Boundaries help us to protect and honor our physical and mental space, by making clear where one person ends, and another begins. Boundaries are only required when there is a violation. We do this ahead of time to help us decide what we will do if someone is in violation of your emotional or physical space.

What Boundaries Are Not

A boundary is not a threat or an ultimatum. We never use boundaries to control people or to try to get them to do what we want them to do. This doesn’t work and is very disempowering and disconnecting. Sometimes, we try to set a boundary if someone is not doing what we expect them to. Examples of this may sound like:

“If you don’t text me back within 2 hours, I will stop talking to you”

“If you don’t take the garbage out tonight, I will be very angry”.

In truth, these aren’t boundary issues because the person not honoring your request does not violate your physical or emotional safety. These are more like manual issues. Remember, we can share our requests with others, but they always get to decide what to do. We want to be careful not to hang our emotional wellbeing or happiness on whether they comply.

Adults Can Do What They Want

This may be tough to accept, but it is the truth regardless. Trying to get other to behave the way we want them to be a complete waste of time and energy. It is futile. Adults can make their own choices. And most don’t like to be controlled. Have you ever noticed this? It’s also true that you get to be and do what you want. The choice is always yours. You can choose how you will show up in your life and in your relationships. You may choose to do what another person wants you to, but this is completely different than doing something because you are scared you will be punished or shut out if you don’t. Adults can ignore your requests, forget things, steal, dress how they want, act how they want, be in a bad mood, lie, make messes, or come home late. Our power lies in how we choose to think about it. We can work on our own minds, or we can waste a lot of time and energy trying to change the other person or get them to see it our way. If we want more emotional peace, we must allow others to be who they are.

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Setting Boundaries

Before attempting to set a boundary, you must be clear about what your boundaries are. It’s important to be in touch with this, and to understand what it feels like in your body when a boundary is crossed. If you are unclear about this, you will be much less likely to make others aware and they will not know when they have crossed one. Sometimes other people don’t realize that they are crossing a boundary. But when we are aware that a boundary is crossed, we can then speak up and share what is true for us.

Two Parts to a Boundary

1. The Request: First, ask someone to stop doing something that violates you physically or emotionally.

2. The Consequence: Tell the person what you will do if they do not comply with your request.

When someone crosses a boundary, we need to communicate it to them and share what we will do if this behavior continues. Perhaps your husband is shouting at your during an argument. A boundary would look like this: “please stop yelling at me, or I will leave the room”. Notice that this allows the other person to decide how to behave but does make very clear what you will do if this violation continues. You must make sure to enforce the consequence. If you do not honor and follow through on your boundaries, others will not either.

Maybe your sister is always late getting to your house when you are meeting to head to a yoga class. A boundary may be appropriate in this situation and would look like this: “I am excited to meet you today. However, I just want to let you know that that I will wait for 15 minutes and then I am going to leave. I am not going to be mad or upset but I will have to leave at that time so I can make it to the class before it starts”.

You must make the request, give them the option to decide how to respond, and then you must follow through. This gives the other person freedom to be who they want to be, while at the same time allowing you to honor yourself. It also removes any unnecessary drama or conflict from the equation. We aren’t trying to convince the other person to change or to see our point of view. We are simply sharing our own truth.

Setting Boundaries Can Feel Challenging

Setting boundaries can feel really challenging, especially if this is something that is new to you. I want to remind you to be gentle and compassionate and patient with yourself while you practice this new skill. The boundary conversation can feel uncomfortable and hard. Sometimes we may fear setting a boundary because we are afraid that other people will be upset or not like it. We are afraid of losing the relationship. As a result, we may stay in relationship patterns that are not what we really want. We hide our truth to others, and this leads to resentment and frustration, as well as disconnection.

Boundaries Create Honesty Relationships

I like to remind myself that when I share what is true for me, I am making life easier for the other person. Other people cannot read your mind. And when we expect them to, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. And often, other people may not be aware that they are even violating your boundaries if you don’t tell them. By being clear and upfront, we give the people in our lives clear guidelines that makes it a lot easier for them to know what I think is okay and what I think isn’t okay, which ultimately makes the relationship easier to navigate.

You must be willing to honor yourself by sharing your truth, and then allowing other people to interpret it however they will. This will foster authenticity and honesty in your relationship. Be prepared that other people may not agree or understand your boundary and they don’t have to.

Set Boundaries from Love

Proper boundaries come from a place of love – for self and others. You can set a boundary without lecturing, attacking the other person, or getting too intense. When setting a boundary, it may be helpful to state that you are setting the boundary out of love. You can say something like “I value our relationship, so that’s why I want to be clear and straightforward about this”.

Boundaries from love sound like “I love you, and I love me”, or “I love you… and no”.

Setting boundaries with kindness, love and self-care will enable your life and relationships to deepen and grow in wonderful ways.

Exercise: Boundaries

Use this worksheet to do a deep dive into your own boundary setting.