MODULE 4: How to Feel Better
Discomfort is the Price of Growth
Discomfort is the currency to your dreams and any results you want to create, whether that is a better marriage, a new career, weight loss, or having a difficult conversation. A big misconception is that change is easy. In our society, there is so much marketing and selling of ways to make us comfortable. The truth is, discomfort is a requirement for growth. You must be willing to feel discomfort. To accomplish and change, you will need to grow. Growth stretches us and pushes us beyond our current capacity. When we grow, we become the next best version of ourselves. And to grow, you need to be willing to get uncomfortable, to push yourself beyond your current level of thinking, feeling, and behaving. We sometimes call this the River of Misery.
The River of Misery
This is the uncomfortable space between where you are and where you want to be. The River of Misery represents the steps that you need to take to overcome all the obstacles in the way of getting what you want, the thoughts you need to challenge, the feelings you need to generate, and the actions you need to take. This space doesn’t feel great, but it is necessary, and temporary.
Avoiding Discomfort
When you avoid emotions, you cut yourself off from yourself. This is the opposite of growth and evolving. This will cause you to stagnate and buffer. You will recognize that you are avoiding emotion because you are afraid you will feel out of control. You will find yourself procrastinating and using external things to distract you from what is going on internally.
What are you unwilling to feel? Do you know the emotions that you are most likely to avoid?
Think about it right now. Be very aware of how you manipulate yourself in order not to feel any sort of discomfort. Do you work more? Do find yourself in the pantry snacking on cookies? Do you drink an extra glass of wine? Do you scroll social media?
The emotions that you want to avoid are the same emotions you need to work through and allow to get the results you want. If you’re willing to feel these unwanted emotions instead of avoiding or resisting them, you will spare yourself so much suffering. The unwillingness to stay conscious when these emotions appear is the cause of suffering, addiction, overeating, overdrinking, and behavior disorders.
Mastery of Discomfort Leads to Confidence
If you can train your brain to be skilled in handling discomfort, if there is no feeling that you aren’t willing to feel, you will do all the things you haven’t had the guts to do before. Your life will become so much more fulfilling.
How we show up to the uncomfortable parts of life, is where we develop our resilience and our meaning in life.
Our trust in ourselves – to be capable, to be emotional strong – is directly tied to our ability to move through discomfort and negative feelings. When you develop the capacity to confront negative and painful emotion and see it through to the other side, your sense of self will begin to change. You will find more confidence and more freedom to be yourself fully. You will develop new insights into what you want and to recognize what is important to you. You will see yourself as more competent and powerful.
What if you say to yourself, the worst that can happen is a feeling? And no feeling can kill me. I can handle anything, and I am willing to experience it.
You Can Do Hard Things
When you have a goal in mind, the first thing that you must do is commit to the goal. After you commit, no matter what, you must be willing to take whatever actions are necessary and feel any feelings that arise. This requires courage. In our society, we often see depictions of courage as amazingly powerful, and we think that it feels great. The truth is, courage feels terrible. If a goal is big enough, and if it pushes you to grow and strengthen and evolve, discomfort is going to be part of the process.
In this context, discomfort is a sign that we are on the right track. It is a sure sign that we are growing and stepping out of our comfort zone, that we are becoming the next evolved version of ourselves.
Worksheet: The Worst That Can Happen
Often, the fear of an emotion can be more painful that the emotion itself. When I find myself spiraling or avoiding something, I find it helpful to get the root of what I am most afraid of. Use this worksheet to help you sort out your worst case scenerio. Bring anything that comes up to coaching.