MODULE 9: Navigating Relationships
Change Your Relationships
In this week’s module we will dive into some of the most important concepts and ideas you will ever learn regarding relationships. Relationships are a huge area of focus for many people and are something that can bring a lot of joy or a lot of pain. Like everything else, it all comes back to your mind. Relationships – even though they involve more than just one person – are all created and influenced by your brain. Many people struggle with their relationships in some capacity, and we tend to overcomplicate and get very confused in this area. We often find ourselves feeling frustrated and powerless because other people just don’t do what we want them to. If we want better relationships, we need to work on our own brain. But we don’t usually recognize that.
Everything we will learn in the next two modules can be applied any relationship in your life – your partner, your colleagues, your boss, your sister, you best friend, and your mother. Personally, I have found that once I fully embraced and lived from the ideas and concepts that we will explore together, all my relationships improved. I was able to get to a more peaceful place, with less resentment, deeper love and connection, and less anxiety.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE THOUGHTS
Most of us are really confused about how the world works and what causes us to feel how we do, especially when it comes to relationships. We think that things outside of us – including people- need to behave a certain way so that we can feel the way we want to. We create so many rules and expectations for our relationships that we stop experiencing them. What we must know and understand is that our relationships with other people are always just thoughts.
Your Thoughts About Another Person. Your relationship with someone is based on your thoughts about them. It is important to understand and notice the thoughts you have towards someone. Your relationship experience is not based on the person, it is always based on your thinking. You might have a friend that you adore and someone else might not like her at all. How is this possible? Your friend is the same person everywhere she goes. But someone else will have a completely different experience of your friend because of their thoughts about her.
The quality of your relationship is dependent on the quality of the thoughts you have about them. If you want a better relationship, you must think better thoughts. This is the secret to all relationships. You may believe that your thoughts about someone depend on what they say or do. But it is so much more than that. You are always responsible for how you feel. Even though someone’s behavior may trigger certain thoughts for you, you are always in charge of how you respond to someone else’s behavior, how you interpret it, and what you make it mean. Recall what we know about feelings. Our feelings always come from our thoughts. Someone else does not create the feeling of love for us. They do not cause our anger or resentment. They are simply not capable. Our minds create those feelings based on what we are thinking. When you experience feelings of love for someone else, it is because of what you are thinking. It is normal for our thoughts towards others to shift and evolve through time. Some days, we may be thinking lots of loving thoughts for someone. At other times, we may be thinking judgmental, angry thoughts. This is normal. Just know that this is always in your control.
What the Other Person Thinks of You. What is between two people is thoughts - all your thinking and all their thinking. When it comes to another person’s thoughts, we do not have a way to know for certain what someone is thinking – unless of course you can read minds. There are two components to another person’s thoughts: What the other person is thinking, and what we think the other person is thinking. The second part, what we think the other person is thinking, is most important here. Notice how much time and effort you put into thinking about what someone else is thinking and even trying to influence it. Notice how little power you have in this area.
Why this Matters
Your relationship is only the thoughts you think. Not the thoughts that someone else thinks or even their actions or behavior. None of that can affect you until you allow it to. I want you to think about this for a minute. If your relationship with some else is just thoughts, then this means that your relationship with any person only exists in your mind. It is possible to have a relationship with someone who has passed away, or someone that you don’t see very often. This is also why it is possible to improve a relationship in your life without the other person being involved at all. Perhaps you want to have a better relationship with your mom. Maybe your mom thinks your current relationship is fine and has no interest in changing or doing things differently. Instead of focusing on trying to figure out how to change someone else’s thoughts or behavior, focus on your own. Instead of asking “How do I get them to behave differently? How do I get them to love me more or differently or better?”, ask yourself “How I do I love them exactly as they are? How do I have compassion for them? How do I love better? How do I show up as more of who I want to be in this relationship?”. This is where your power lies.
Test this out. I want you to think of the person you love the most in the world. What are your main thoughts about them? Now think of someone who you consider difficult or someone you don’t like. What are the main thoughts that come to mind?
It’s fascinating, isn’t it?