MODULE 6: Burnout Promoters
Let's Talk About Approval Addiction and People Pleasing
Do you ever find yourself caught up in worrying about what other people are thinking? Ruminating about what might be going on in someone else’s mind?
We all do this sometimes. It’s part of being human.
You find yourself spinning in your head about why your coworker didn't invite you to the party. Or analyzing about the lack of feedback from your manager. Or worrying that if you turn down the overtime shift, your colleagues will be disappointed in you.
Approval addiction, also known as people-pleasing or the need for external validation, is a psychological phenomenon in which individuals become excessively reliant on the approval, praise, or validation of others to feel a sense of self-worth and identity. People who struggle with approval addiction often prioritize the opinions and expectations of others over their own needs, values, and desires.
Wanting Approval is Normal
The brain is wired to worry about what others think.
Humans are programmed to care a lot about social inclusion because we evolved in small tribes where being part of a group really mattered when it came to survival. Social rejection really mattered, because if we were rejected, we probably wouldn't survive. We are socialized to care deeply about what other people think of us and our choices. Our brain thinks acceptance is especially important, so when there’s any threat of disapproval, it tries to find some certainty.
In our modern world, survival is less reliant on tribes. Rejection does not mean certain death, although to our brain it might still feel that way.
But too often we make our own wellbeing contingent on what someone else says or does.
The trouble begins when we think that we have to understand what is going on in someone else’s mind in order to know how we should feel or act.
Many of us spend way too much time worrying about and trying to control what other people think of us. It takes up so much mental energy. It keeps us completely stuck. We take their opinions too personally. We make other people’s thoughts mean something wrong about us.
We tell ourselves stories about other people and what they’re thinking all of the time. “He isn’t interested in me because he thinks I’m too much,” or “my boss doesn’t think I know what I’m doing or he would have asked for my opinion on that project."
We may even take it further and make adjustments to our own lives based on what we think other people are thinking. We take on more responsibility at work. We try to blend in with the crowd. We attend events we don’t want to. We try to make it look like we’re doing fine (even if we aren’t).
Opinions and Their Origin
Remember -other people’s opinions, judgments, and expectations of you are not within your control and are not objective facts. Here is the proof: Imagine you are at a party with 12 people. They all see you, hear you telling stories, and watch what you do. If their opinions were based on truth, then everyone would have the exact same opinion. But they don't, do they?
Remember the model. You are the circumstance line. Everyone in that room will feel differently about you based on what you are thinking. This thought comes from their brain and is shaped by their experiences, Their perspective has everything to do with their brain and it’s programming– and nothing to do with you.
** It's none of your business.**
Really. I know, I know. You want to control it but you can't. So trying to change someone's opinion of you is a major waste of time and energy. You have thoughts running through your mind all of the time and so do others. You can’t enter into their head and change what they’re thinking – even if you try really hard. It’ll never work.
You can only manage your own mind. You can try to manipulate things or sway others. You can try your best to shift their perspective. You can defend yourself. You can argue.
But it just wastes all of your mental energy. It takes up so much head space. You will feel powerless because when you’re caught up in speculation and preoccupied with other people’s thoughts, you’ve abandoned what you actually can control – your own mind.
When you try to control what other people think, you don’t show up as you.
You show up as a dishonest, watered-down version of yourself. When you try to get people to approve of or like you, it won’t work. They can tell. And you end up acting needy and strange, and feeling resentful. Can you think of times when you have experienced this? When we are constantly trying to influence what others think of us, we can’t be our truest self.
5 Keys To Freedom
Consider the following 5 points in order to stop feeling consumed with what other people think and fear of judgement:
1.The first step is awareness.
Notice the thoughts you have and what feelings are coming up for you. Drop the judgement of yourself and start to observe what you’re doing and the impact it has. Notice how you feel when you have these thoughts and start to question if you want to choose something different.
2.Make your opinion of yourself the most important one.
You own opinion matters most. Intentionally decide this will be true in your life. You’re the one person who actually knows what is best for you. Basing your life on what other people think or approve of will create resentment and a loss of integrity with yourself.
** 3 Let other people be themselves.**
Don’t take anything personally. Practice letting other people have opinions and don’t make it mean anything about you. Don’t give it so much power. Remember that you don’t actually need validation or support from other people. You don’t have to know what is going on in someone else’s mind to be ok. Remember other people have thoughts and opinions and so do you. The only reason this is a problem is because of what you make their opinions mean about you. Drop the stories and assumptions and get curious. Simply observe other people having thoughts and decide to do nothing about it.
4.Be confident enough to show up as yourself.
To often we change how we are in order to try to prevent judgement from others. But in reality, other people will judge you regardless of what you do. This is human nature. You might as well be judged for who you really are. Get clear on what you want and need and practice giving it to yourself.
5.Let other people be wrong about you.
This one sentence can be a big game changer in your life. Consider how many times you have found someone else to have an opinion about you that you simply do not agree with? If someone says something you don’t agree with, you can just let them be wrong about you. You don’t have to defend yourself and go into self righteousness. You don’t have to overexplain. If you agree with your own actions, decisions and are committed to having your own back, then when someone judges you or has an opinion, it’s not a big deal.
Remember what you can control
Humans love certainty but it’s always an illusion. Especially in relationships. Realizing that you cannot control another human being’s actions, feelings, or judgments is so liberating. Switch your attention back to your own mind. Remember that you are the only person you really have control over.
What you can be certain about is that you will decide how to think, feel and act based on your own brain, and never someone else’s. You don’t have to know exactly what is happening in someone else’s mind to decide what will happen in yours. This is where all of your power is.