MODULE 11: Creating Confidence
We All Want Confidence
We hear a lot about self-confidence – how important it is, why we need it. We all want it. But most of us are confused about where it comes from. We think of confidence as something that we have or we don’t – that we are born with, or we aren’t. It seems logical that self-confidence would be created by how we look, what we have or where we live, what social circles we hang out in, our achievements or abilities, or other things outside of us. None of this is true.
What is Self Confidence?
Self-confidence is defined as “Being secure in yourself and trusting your abilities and judgment”. It is internally validated. It really comes down to self-trust and your ability to handle emotion. Confidence is about believing in your ability to do something or to figure it out, even if you don’t know how right now. It means trusting in your own judgement, resourcefulness, and capacity.
Self-confidence is created when you believe you can handle any emotion and are therefore willing to feel anything. You aren’t held back by your own self-doubt because you know that you have the capacity to move through discomfort. You have the ability to manage your mind in any circumstance and can handle negative emotion and keep going. Confidence comes from standing behind every action you take and decision you make. It comes from believing in yourself even when you don’t yet have evidence that you can create what you want.
Why We Don’t Have It
Do you ever wonder how it can be possible that you have so many beliefs that allow you to achieve, create, succeed, yet you still find yourself feeling insecure sometimes? How it’s possible that you can believe in your own strength and potential, yet still get caught up in worries about what people think about you, if you’re screwing up your kids, if your boss approves of your work?
It is totally possible and normal to have competing thoughts and belief systems. Some of these beliefs you have consciously decided on, using intellect and rational thought. These types of thoughts come from your pre-frontal cortex, the part of your brain that is capable of rational and higher-level thinking.
Your self-criticisms, insecurity, and worry, on the other hand, are created by thoughts originating from your subconscious mind. Remember, negativity bias is part of our brain's wiring. It is meant to look for what is wrong to protect us , so it won't naturally produce thoughts of self-confidence. It will, however, produce fear, self-doubt, and insecurity.
Additionally, as women, we are also conditioned to look outside of ourselves for validation and approval. We are flooded with messages that show us that we must be perfect to be worthy. We aren’t necessarily taught to trust ourselves. We don’t learn the skills of emotional management, so we live in fear of our feelings. We are not taught how to process and allow emotions, so we hide from discomfort. This leads us to live our lives without going for things that we really want.
How to Create Confidence
Challenging and changing your insecure thoughts is possible. It requires training your mind to think differently, and your brain to behave differently. The field of neuroscience has shown us that the brain has “neuroplasticity”, meaning that the neuropathways and structure of the brain itself can be changed. It will require awareness, effort, and practice. But it is entirely possible. Let’s review some ways to create confidence. There are some worksheets at the end of this module to help you practice some of these skills.
1. Self-confidence is created by your thoughts about yourself
Confidence is created by your thoughts, including how you think about yourself and your life. Thoughts create feelings. Your current thought patterns are simply neural networks that have been practiced and therefore have strengthened in your mind. In other words, what you currently believe about yourself is just default thinking. It is comfortable and efficient for the brain to think familiar thoughts. And the brain on default will think lots of self-critical thoughts, which then causes feelings of insecurity. So, if we want to produce feelings of confidence and self-love, we must change our thinking. We need to shake it up. We must recognize and challenge our current thoughts. We need to start filtering out the thoughts we don’t want anymore. Practice new ways of thinking.
2. Have Your Own Back
This is about trusting in yourself and practicing having a high opinion of yourself. Do what you say you will do. Take good care of yourself. Follow through on your plans even when you don’t feel like it. Even when you are discouraged and tired. When we do not follow through on what we say, we lose faith in ourselves. We create self-doubt. Consistently follow through. You will create confidence as you build trust with yourself. Practice valuing your own opinion. Seek your own approval instead of other people’s. Prioritize your relationship with you.
3. Practice Embracing Discomfort
We spend much of our lives avoiding discomfort. But if we remember that feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, do not have the ability to harm us, we will start to wonder what we’re so afraid of. If that worst that can happen is a feeling, can you just decide to face it? Self-confidence comes when you know that you can handle any emotion. When we avoid taking action because of fear of failure or rejection, we are simply failing and rejecting ourselves ahead of time. When you understand that feelings are just vibrations in your body and there is no emotion that you cannot handle, you will develop limitless confidence. You will take risks. You will set big goals. You will embrace change. Practice feeling uncomfortable emotions.
4. Develop an Attitude of Growth and Resiliency
Life is dynamic. We are always evolving. Many of us yearn for consistency, security, routine. However, we must learn to trust and rely on what is inside of us, instead of external things. Your greatest sense of stability will come when you feel resourceful within yourself.
When developing confidence, a growth mindset is essential. This mindset allows us to see failures or challenges as opportunities for learning. We understand that we can always improve by putting forth effort, developing skills, and using strategies. We enjoy being challenged and know that we can learn new things. We are in charge of the outcomes. We know that anything is possible for us. We focus on the process and not the goal, and on who we can become.
In contrast, a fixed mindset is one in which we view our abilities as permanent. There is a fear of failure, so we avoid doing new or difficult things. We view challenges and setbacks as evidence for our incompetency, instead of an opportunity for learning. We hyper-focus on outcomes and define ourselves by achievements or lack thereof.
5. Take Action
When we take action even in the face of fear or self-doubt, we develop belief in our capability. Belief in our capability leads to confidence. What does this look like? It means doing things you are scared to do. It means putting yourself out there. It means using courage to fuel action. It means trying something even when you have no idea if it will work. Doing something that you have never done before and figuring out how to do it as you go. Confidence comes from action.