MODULE 10: Relationship Challenges
Difficult Conversations
Communication is an important component of every relationship. Most of us have not learned how to effectively express ourselves especially during periods of conflict, without blaming, frustration, defensiveness, or justification. We know that the brain always wants to be right. This is a primal need, and we are hardwired for it. However, the need to be right can often cost us our peace, happiness, and connection.
There is no Winner in a Difficult Conversation
How many times have you found yourself in an argument, where you know you’re right? Your brother tells you that you never text him back. Or your husband tells you that you always overreact. If you know this isn’t true, you will want to disagree and show all of your evidence. But consider that most arguments are two people just trying to get their point across. It is like an emotional tug of war. There is never a winner in a difficult conversation.
If you want to have more peace and connection in your relationships, it is critical that you give up your need to be right. Understand that you do not have to be right about anything. When you sink into this mindset shift, you will give up your need for defensiveness. You have ended the war. Be willing to be wrong. Be willing to let other people be wrong. There is never going to be a true winner anyways. A healthy relationship involves being on the same team. If you view the relationships as oppositional or contentious, your discussion will always involve finding out who is right and who is wrong, or who is to blame.
How to Have a Difficult Conversation
1.Clean Up Your Thinking. It is so important to enter a difficult conversation only having done the work on our own mind. Remember that our emotions fuel our actions, always. What emotions are you bringing into the conversation? Most people chose a time when they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed. I always advise against that. Choose your emotion intentionally. Create the feelings that will serve the conversation such as curiosity, compassion, and openness. Be clear about what you are seeking from the conversation. Are you looking to control the other? To feel a certain way? Do you need to let go of your judgment? Be aware that the other person may not have cleaned up their thinking ahead of time and that is ok.
2.Be Curious. Most difficult conversations and disagreements turn into two people trying to tell the other why they are right, force understanding, and to get their point across. In doing so, we lost the opportunity to connect and deepen intimacy with another. I love to start conversations like this by saying things like “Tell me how you feel”, “tell me what you are thinking”, or “tell me where I am wrong”. Genuinely try to understand and see their reasons. Put yourself in their shoes. See it through their eyes. What could be going on in their model? Where are they coming from? Can you understand it? You could both be right. If you notice defensiveness or disagreement coming up, recognize that it is normal to want to be understood. Then deliberately let it go. Practice hearing them. It doesn’t matter if they return this attitude towards you. Don’t expect them to reciprocate. This is an amazing opportunity to connect.
3.What Are the Facts? Once you have heard them out, identify the facts and make sure you agree on them. If you don’t agree, it is not a fact. Facts are neutral. Everyone agrees on them. They don’t make anyone right or wrong. Facts are the common ground.
4.What Are You Making It Mean? Boil it all down to one sentence. What are you making these facts mean? Share this with the other. Allow the other person to share what they are making the facts mean. This is why you disagree. No one is right or wrong, you just have different thoughts about it. For example, “You said you would be home at 7, is this a fact?” Yes. Then, “I am making this mean that you are inconsiderate. You are making this mean that you cannot control what work arises and when you leave”.
5.Focus on Solutions. Focus on the solution. It is not necessary to dig into the problem or story any longer. At this point, you are not allowed to talk about the problem. You do not need to convince each other of anything. You don’t need to agree. But together, you can brainstorm solutions. The goal is to find a solution that will make things better than before you had this problem.
6.Drop the Need for Validation. Very often we find ourselves wanting the other person to understand us. Sometimes this is because we have a need that we are not meeting. Other times we are not quite confident in our own opinion. We may think, “If I could just get them to understand me, then I would give myself permission to think and feel how I do”.
7.Drop the Need to Agree. Remember, the purpose is not to change the other person or their opinion. We cannot control other people; despite how much we want to. You are always responsible for how you show up in the relationship. This is where your power lies.
Exercise: Difficult Conversation Framework
Use this worksheet to help you get ready for a difficult conversation or go through with someone when you are disagreeing about something.