MODULE 12: Reigniting Joy
Connection. We all need it. It is as vital as food and water to us. We are built to lean on one another and to give and seek support. Many of us are not great at asking for support. Most of have gotten really good at doing things by ourselves. This is one reason why we are so successful. But if we want to overcome burnout, we have to UNLEARN doing it all on our own. When it comes to burnout, the journey can be lonely. Connection and community can make it easier (and more fun!).
Good Connection is Good for You
Social connections plays a huge role in overall well-being. The research is clear. Numerous studies have consistently shown that having strong ties and positive social interactions can boost physical, mental, and emotional health in real and measurable ways. Connection nourishes us physically. It regulates our heart rate, blood pressure, respiratory rate, and improves our immune and stress response. When we feel like we belong, we experience noticeable improvements in focus, performance, mood, confidence, and overall mental wellbeing.
In fact, research shows that social isolation and loneliness increased the odds of an early death by 25-30%, and has the same health impact as does smoking 15 cigarettes per day. Social exclusion is painful. The experience of rejection and being left out or excluded actually shares a common biological basis in the brain with real physical pain. The effects can be detrimental in terms of physical and mental wellbeing.
The message is clear: Connection and belonging serve as a buffer for adversity, improve resilience, and drastically reduce the risk of burnout.
We need community. We need to people in our lives who build us up, cheer us on, and fuel us. Despite this, in today's society, individuality is strongly valued, as is the progression towards independence and self sufficiency. It is seen as weak, inferior, and "needy" to depend on, or want the support of others. It remains popular wisdom that healthy people should feel 100% whole with or without the approval of others, a partner, or the support of family or community.
But this is just wrong.
No one is "complete" without other people. We are not built to live out our lives alone. We are built to oscillate between autonomy to connection and back again. It's healthy, it's normal, and it's innate. We heal in and grow in relationships.
Getting to Know Your Connection Needs
Everyone varies in their need for connection. This is influenced by your thoughts around socializing, your personality, among many other factors. The important thing to get in touch with is your own need for connection. There is no right or wrong amount of "needing connection". There is just the amount that feels right to you.
Use these questions as journal or thought download prompts.
Turn your attention inward, to the part of you that connects with others.
Are you longing for more connection? Less? A different kind?
Who do you connect with? Are there people in your life that you wish you could connect with more? Less?
What kind of connection do you crave? Physical affection or touch? Listening or engaging in deep meaningful conversations? Taking action with someone to solve a problem? Simply being in the presence of a loved one?
Notice what thoughts and feelings might be coming up for you, when you think about your need for connection, like pride or shame, autonomy, discomfort, disappointment, fulfillment, acceptance or joy?
With whom do you feel most connected? Why? What are your thoughts about this person and your relationship.
When do you feel most disconnected?
Try observing your feelings without judgment.
What can you learn about yourself and your desire for connection?
Are All Connections Created Equal?
No. The quality of our relationships matters more than the quantity. In fact, relationship wellbeing is the the number one predictor of happiness. Having a handful of high quality, meaningful, mutually fulfilling relationships predicts happiness more than anything else. This means it is so important to invest in satisfying connections with people we care about, who care about us. Connection is not just about romantic partnerships, though these are often prioritized in our society. Connection is about having positive and supportive relationships of all kinds - BFFs, colleagues, family members, and neighbors.
It is critical to be thoughtful about who has access to you, who you surround yourself with, and who you allow yourself to be influenced by.
So how do we know if a particular social connection or relationship is good for us? How do we know which people are good to be around when we are faced with stress or a challenge?
Common Ingredients for Healthy Bonds
As you read though these characteristics common in satisfying relationships, think about others that may not be listed here that are important to you. What do you value in your relationships? What standards do you have in your relationships?
Ingredient #: Reciprocity
Reciprocity in relationships is a cornerstone for building trust and mutual respect. It ensure both parties feel valued, appreciated, and understood, fostering a sense of balance and equality.
Ingredient #2: Trust
Reciprocity matters and leads to increased trust - but what we give and receive can be almost anything - time, attention, gifts, or simply patience and acceptance for our feelings and who we are. The last one is critical. As explained in the “Burnout Book” by Emily and Amelia Nagoski, if we can turn towards someone with our hard feelings (sadness, anger, disappointment) and they tune into our feelings without judgement or defensiveness, it helps us move through our feelings in safety. Trust comes down to one questions: “Are you there for me?”.
Ingredient #3: Respect
Acknowledging each other’s boundaries and individuality is crucial. Mutual appreciation and valuing each other’s perspectives enhances respect. Accepting differences without attempting to change the other person promotes harmony.