MODULE 9: Navigating Relationships
We all have Expectations
Most of us have a lot of ideas about how other people should behave and how life should be. We enter relationships with a long list of things we expect from others and most of the time we don’t even tell them – we just expect them to know and even read our minds. We hold tight to our stories about what it means to be the right kind of parent, a good friend, a loving partner. Almost like a how-to guide for exactly how another person should be. And if we aren’t careful, we may find ourselves really upset when others aren’t complying with the manual, we have created for them.
What is a Manual?
A manual is an instruction guide we have for another person all about how we would like them to behave so that we can feel good and valued and happy. A manual is basically a detailed and precise rule book that specifies our expectations as well as what is normal and acceptable behavior from someone else. Usually, we don’t share the details of our manuals with the other person so they wouldn’t be able to abide by our manual even if they wanted to (truth: they don’t always want to comply, but more on this later!).
We Create Our Own Suffering with Manuals
Most of the time we don’t even realize we have a manual. A clue that you have a manual issue is if you find yourself having thoughts like “they should just know what I want!”, or “if they would do {insert action or behaviour} then I could feel {insert desired emotion}”, or if you often feel disappointed, frustrated, or let down by others in your life. Many of us believe that we would just be happier if someone else changed. If you think about it, most common relationship problems are about wanting someone else to behave differently. This is a huge cause of suffering because we mistakenly believe that other people have the power to determine how we feel. This is never, ever true. Other people’s behaviour has no impact on us emotionally until we have a thought about it, interpret it and attach meaning. No matter what someone says or does, we do not have to give them power over our emotional life. It is always our choice. It is completely voluntary and unnecessary.
What Does a Manual Look Like?
Depending on the person, the manual will differ. But here is an example of what might be in your manuals:
- She should invite me when she has a party
- He should offer to give me a ride to the party
- She should always call or text me back
- He should compliment me
- He should tell me he loves me
- She should always put me first
- He should make a lot of money
- He should be home for dinner
- She should drink less
- He should watch less tv
- She should watch my kids when I go to work
- He should agree with my decision
- She should always tell the truth
- She should support me when I am struggling
- She should celebrate my birthday with me
- She should listen to me complain when I have a bad day
Why Manuals Don’t Work
Adults get to be and do whatever they want. They have the ability and freedom to decide what to say, how to act, and what to do. This is true for every adult, including you. There is lot of mainstream messaging in modern self-help about the importance of meeting each other’s needs. The type of thinking within a relationship can be detrimental. When we task another person with meeting our emotional needs, the relationship itself can become a list of rules and obligations. This is the opposite of true connection. When we think that our emotional state is based on another person’s behavior, there will inevitably be manipulation and efforts to control one another. It is completely disempowering, because the truth is, you cannot control another person. And I have noticed that most people don’t like it when we try!
When we live by manuals, we put our emotions in the hands of other people. Even if they want to meet your manual requirements, they will never do this perfectly. Most people have a hard enough time managing their own emotional life, let alone someone else’s. And if they don’t meet your manual needs, you are guaranteed to feel negative emotion. You then will blame the other person for causing your pain. This is sure way to live in a disempowered state and make any relationship a breeding ground for resentment and disappointment.
Making Requests
It's ok to make requests of others and to desire certain things in your relationships. For example, there is nothing wrong with confiding in a family member and hoping for support or asking that your husband runs an errand for you. But the truth is, you cannot control how other people will respond. It is ok to make requests or ask for something we want. But we create our own pain when we expect other people to meet our needs or help us feel how we want to feel. So, in conclusion – ask, but don’t make your emotional wellbeing contingent on if they agree.
How to Let Your Manual Go
When you realize how much pain you are creating for yourself with your manual, you may decide you want to let it go. Here are some strategies to help you.
1. Awareness. The first step is to become aware of the manuals that you have created for other people. We always do this from a place of self love, curiosity, and non-judgment for ourselves – and recognize that there is nothing inherently wrong with having expectations. But in order to create a different experience for yourself, you must identify the thoughts that are creating you feelings. I recommend writing out your thoughts. Notice the stories and thoughts about what the other person should have done, the emotion it is creating for you, and the meaning you are attaching to it.
2. Accept responsibility for your own emotions. Begin to build your own experience with something you do have power over: Your own thoughts and feelings. When something happens and you feel disappointed, recognize that it’s because you had a belief and expectation about what they should have done. Question what emotion you think you would feel if this person behaved how, you want them to? How can you create this emotion for yourself?
3. Expect others to be themselves. This is the only person that they are capable of being anyway. See the person as they actually are and accept that this is how they are supposed to be, even if you don’t agree or cannot relate, or they don’t fit your ideal. Understand that who they are and how they respond has nothing to do with you. Remember that other people are not you. Stop expecting others to think, feel, and respond like you would.
4. Decide to love the other person exactly as they are. Instead of focusing on the ways that they aren’t measuring up, start to notice the things you appreciate about them. Look for what you can be grateful for. Can you accept and love someone through their imperfections? In doing so, you can start to release your rules for how other people should be and start to love them for who they actually are.
5. Decide who you want to be. When your expectations are not met, ask yourself, how do I want to show up in this situation? Who do I want to be in this relationship? How can I use this experience to practice being the person I want to be? Only have expectations of yourself.
Exercise: Person of Interest
Think of someone you are in relationship with. It can be anyone. This case study will help you explore your manual, your thoughts about this person and yourself, and bring to your awareness why you may sometimes struggle in this relationship.