How to Speak Up

The Power of Speaking Up

Speaking your mind – being able to say what you want to say, to whom, when and how you want to say it – is a powerful skill to develop. This means using your own voice, by choice, and speaking your truth, which allows you to put words to what you are experiencing. Having the ability to express yourself is one of the most important components of developing emotional strength, confidence, resiliency, and overall well-being. It also allows for more authentic and deeper connections, more influence, opportunities, and greater empathy. Yet so many of us hold back.

Why It Matters

I love the quote by Margaret Atwood which states, “A word, after a word, after a word, is power”. Your voice is your link to your inner world. It allows you to share your thoughts, feelings, perceptions, beliefs, wants and needs with other people. When you don’t speak up, you disconnect from yourself and become less emotionally present.

Often, we are encouraged to speak up to get a certain result or influence another person. However, we don’t speak up to get others to do what we want. Who you become by speaking up is the real goal. What builds confidence and resiliency is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, wants and needs and your ability to handle the response you get, no matter what.

Why we Avoid It

To have authentic conversations and share our own thoughts and perspectives, we must be willing to tolerate both the unpleasant as well as the pleasant feelings within ourselves so that we can tolerate them in another person. We must make the decision to allow our feelings and ride the waves of uncomfortable emotions as they arise. Often, we avoid sharing because we are trying to avoid uncomfortable emotions such as vulnerability, embarrassment, sadness, or disappointment.

Some fear that if the truth is expressed, others may respond in undesirable ways. Maybe their feelings will be hurt, maybe they won’t like you anymore, or maybe they will even end the relationship. Maybe you fear judgment, or loss of reputation, inclusion, reputation, or status. All of this is possible. The key is to know that you can handle and move through difficult and negative emotions.

Saying No

Saying No is an extremely important skill to cultivate. It is not the same as setting a boundary. Most of us don’t know how to do it effectively. Many of us are afraid to say no. We worry about offending others or letting them down. We are afraid of risking the relationship. When we do say no, we may offer a lie or over-explain our decision to control how the other person thinks and feels in the situation.

As a results, you may find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no. I love to remember that when we say yes to something, we are saying no to something else. For example, when you say yes to joining a book club, you are saying no to quiet time at home, time with your family, or maybe a bubble bath or a walk. Saying no is something you must get good at doing so you can say yes to the things you most want to do. Remember, you don’t have to do anything. You always have the option of saying no. When you don’t say no, you are CHOOSING to do that thing, so make sure you are being honest with yourself about what you want.

Standing up for Yourself

Standing up for yourself, the way we think of it, is often unnecessary. We may say we are standing up for ourselves, when really, we are acting from defensiveness, or resistance. It generally comes from a place of frustration, disappointment, shame, or anger.

Remember these two things: 1. You can always say no, and you don’t have to offer an explanation. 2. Adults get to behave as they want to. This includes you. You don’t have to over explain, get defensive or stick up for yourself. You can simply make your decision, and then have your own back about it. You can let others have the space to respond to you how they want to. You can say no. You can let other people be wrong about you.