Perfectionism

Understanding the Perfectionism Trap

In today's world, especially amongst ambitious, high-achieving women, being a perfectionist can be regarded as a badge of honor. However, perfectionism can also be a pervasive mental habit, quietly sneaking into our thought patterns and making us constantly doubt ourselves and feel like we're never good enough.

So, What is Perfectionism?

And how do we separate goal-setting, being ambitious, following our desires, and having passion for our work from perfectionism?

Perfectionism refers to a collection of thoughts which push us to strive for flawlessness, and the belief that mistakes are unacceptable. Perfectionism drives imposter syndrome, since it pushes us to aim for the impossible.

It is important to clarify that being a perfectionist is not actually characterized by your life being perfect. It is instead a belief that you should be perfect. It drives us to think that we need to change ourselves and achieve perfection so that we can finally feel ok about ourselves. If we do better, feel better, improve our lives, social life, appearance, wardrobe, diet, exercise routine, or workplace performance, we can finally feel good about ourselves.

Perfectionism tells us that it is helping us, by pushing us to be our "best selves". But it actually feels terrible because we are constantly rejecting our currently reality and current self. It has us believing that we are not good enough as we are. Perfectionism can be an unconscious attempt to protect ourselves from criticism, judgement or shame.

One way to understand this distinction between being goal-oriented, ambitious, and getting things done versus being in a perfectionist mindset is to consider the following questions:

• Do I feel bad about myself when I don't achieve something in just the exact way I wanted to?

• Do I worry that others will withdraw their love if I make a mistake?

• When I make a mistake, do I believe I am not smart enough, worthy or good enough?

• Do I judge others harshly, and feel angry, frustrated or disappointed if others make mistakes?

• Do I feel dread, worry, or anxiety when you must learn something new?

• Do I have trouble asking for help?

• Do I avoid doing what I long to do because I am afraid that I won't do it just right?

• Am I fearful of failure or being criticized by others?

• Do I compare myself to others?

• Do I often procrastinate or focus on small details, leading to overwhelm or delays in completion of work?

Perfectionism is not the same as healthy striving, or seeking growth and achievement.

At it's core, perfectionism is about fear of failure and earning approval. Evidence suggests that perfectionism is associated with depression, anxiety, disordered eating, relationship strain, and feelings of helplessness in life.

In contrast, healthy growth and goal setting is rooted in a belief that you are worthy as you are. Failures are seen as opportunities for learning, standards are high but clear and realistic. There is an intrinsic desire to grow and evolve, and you take pride in your efforts along the way. Failure is not seen as a reason for self-loathing, but instead an opportunity for learning and evolvement.