MODULE 11: Creating Confidence
Change Your Brain to Create Confidence
If you want to change how you feel about yourself – if you want to create confidence for yourself – you have to actually change your brain. The good news is that changing your thoughts is easier than you might think – you just have to know how. That’s where this guide comes in. Neuroscience has taught us that the brain has something called “neuroplasticity” – essentially, the brain is able to change over time.
Your current thought patterns are simply neural networks that have gotten strong in your brain over time.
When you think self-critical thoughts, you feel insecure and inadequate. Makes sense right? And when you think self-confident thoughts, you feel…confident! So if we change your neural networks, we can change the way you think. That means we can take the self-critical thoughts you have and literally change them into self-confident thoughts instead. There are multiple tools you can use to rewire your brain so that you can think and feel differently. In this week's exercises, I walk you through my three favorite, science-backed tools that actually work to increase self-confidence.
Strategy #1 : Shift Into Neutral
Sometimes you can improve your confidence by just ditching a painful. Other times, you must work a little bit harder at it. You hear a lot about the power of positive affirmations, where you repeat thoughts that we want to believe, over and over, until somehow, we magically adapt this new way of thinking. I have found the expression “fake it till you make it” to be quite misleading. When we try to believe something that doesn’t feel true, it can end up making us more frustrated and discouraged. When we are trying to make ourselves believe a thought that we just, well – don’t, we fail to create the emotion we desire. It doesn’t feel real. And we usually give up on the whole thing.
Instead, a helpful tool is to practice neutral thoughts. A neutral thought is a thought that you already believe. It may not invoke strong emotion, but you believe it is true and it represents a way of thinking that is more attainable for you based on where you are starting. It isn’t overly positive, but it also isn’t harmful. And the most important thing is that it feels better than the current, painful thought that you’ve been thinking. Over time, neutral thoughts can pave the way for more positive, intentional thoughts. Practicing neutral thoughts can help us deprogram our current thought patterns, by giving us something new to focus on.
Here are some examples of how to shift into neutral thoughts.
Example #1
Current Thought About Self: I am a bad mother.
Positive Thought (that you don’t believe yet): I am an amazing mother.
Neutral Thought (that you can believe): I am a mother who is human.
Example #2
Current Thought About Self: My body is disgusting and unattractive
Positive Thought (that you don’t believe yet): My body is beautiful.
Neutral Thought (that you can believe): I have a body.
Exercise: Shifting into Neutral
Practice moving from negative thoughts towards more neutral language. This is a great initial step when trying to deprogram negative self-talk and establish more positive thoughts.
Strategy #2: Change Your Story
Most of us have stories that we have developed and tell ourselves about our lives. These narratives run in the background on replay, often without our full awareness. We have stories about our careers, our relationships, our families. Your story is the way you are used to thinking and talking about this certain area of your life and has a lot to do with how you see yourself. Telling this story over and over reinforces your self-image and the beliefs you hold about yourself and your life. The narrative causes you to continuously search for more evidence to support your story.
An example of a relationship story may sound something like this:
When I was young, I was shy and not very attractive compared to the other girls in my class. I seemed to attract partners who didn’t really want commitment. The guys I dated weren’t interested in the same things as me. I would put so much effort into these relationships but in the end, they would always lose interest and leave me. I can never figure out what I am doing wrong. I can’t seem to attract the right partner, even now. Every time I trust someone I get hurt. Relationships always end in heartbreak.
You can see that this story is about rejection, and pain, and lack of control.
Most people are so practiced in repeating their stories in their own mind, that they believe it to be true. They live their stories out in real life, and in turn, create the inevitable outcome_. When you look to the past to define yourself, you will create more of the same._
It’s Time to Rewrite it.
Did you know that you can rewrite your story to be anything you want? What if you could tell your story based on future possibilities, instead of just repeating stories from the past? It may feel like this is not possible for you. Maybe your identity is so wrapped up in past mistakes, failures, or circumstances. Maybe you have a ton of evidence for your current story.
None of that matters. You can change your story, starting now. You can change your thoughts, and ultimately, create a different outcome. If you can come up with a different way to tell your story, you’ll create a different feeling about yourself. Don’t try to jump ahead into a very positive, super happy story. Remember, you must believe the thoughts we choose. It’s best to start with more neutral language. Try re-writing your story with truer facts and thoughts that you can already believe. Practice telling your story in this new way. Practice thinking of yourself differently. Question your old story. Does it serve you? Are you tired of it yet?
As you shift your story, you will soon notice that your life results start to shift too. The more you believe and practice it, the more it will prove itself true. This is the power of the mind and our self-image. _It’s time to change your story about you.
Worksheet: Story of My Life
For this exercise, you will write two stories. The first, is your current story. Start with a title and write your story in any area you wish. It is best to focus on an area that you struggle with in some way. Include all your uncensored, negative thoughts. Don’t edit it.
The second story is your new story. Write the same story again with only neutral language (or positive if possible), facts and thoughts that you already to believe. Include some new perspective. Include a new title.
Strategy #3: Focus on Growth
Remember what we learned way back in module #1 about Growth vs Fixed mindsets? A growth mindset is one in which you see failures or setbacks as an opportunity for learning, and in which you focus on the process of mastering something new and enjoy being challenged and learning new things. A fixed mindset is one in which you view your abilities or skills as innate, and you shy away from trying new or difficult things because of your fear of failure, which you see as a permanent state, rather than as an opportunity for experimentation and growth.
If You're struggling with confidence, you are probably stuck in a fixed mindset. When you have a fixed mindset, you focus obsessively on outcomes. You think that the outcome of any effort is all that matters, and you define yourself by whether you’ve achieved it or not.
With a growth mindset, the focus is on the process. You are able to notice progress, learnings and how far you've come. You are willing to fail and stumble because you know those are just opportunities for learning and improving. What I like about a growth mindset, when applied to your thoughts about yourself, is that it takes the focus off the external accomplishments. You force your brain to notice and give credit to all the ways that you are progressing.
Exercise: Growth Log
Often, we focus on external accomplishments or qualities. The trouble with this is that we tie up our self-worth in the outcome. Instead, practice focusing on what you have learned, and how you have grown and evolved as a person. This is evidence of your own personal evolution. Give yourself the credit for all of it.