Do you struggle to set boundaries with the people in your life? Are you prone to prioritizing everyone else's well-being first, often not even realizing you have needs of your own? Are you in constant hyperdrive mode, striving to do more and more, only to eventually find yourself burned out?

This topic is one I discuss with my clients every single day because it’s a core pattern that promotes burnout. Overfunctioning is characterized by a lack of healthy boundaries and an excessive focus on others’ needs, often paired with difficulty in recognizing and meeting your own. It’s a habit that has a profoundly negative impact on various areas of your life, including relationships and physical and emotional health.

This concept of overfunctioning was first introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen, MD. A psychiatrist and pioneer in the field of Family Systems Theory. According to Dr. Bowen, overfunctioning is an unhealthy pattern of behavior in which one person, or relationship or family system, takes on excessive responsibility, control, and caretaking roles.

When we're overfunctioning, our nervous systems are trapped in a sympathetic state, deep in fight or flight. It impacts everything in a very negative way, from our blood pressure to glucose management, to mental health, to digestion.

The Origin of Overfunctioning

Family dynamics and upbringing can play a significant role in the development of overfunctioning. For example, individuals who grew up in families with absent or unreliable caregivers may learn to overfunction as a survival mechanism.
Overfunctioning can also be influenced cultural and gender dynamics. There are often strong expectations that humans socialized as girls over function in their roles as caregivers, cleaners, cooks, etc, which can absolutely establish and exacerbate this way of living. In fact, overfunctioning can become this huge part of our identity; “The Good girl” “The Good Wife” narrative, and stepping out of it can be really, really challenging, because you're stopping doing everything you were raised to believe will get you liked, approved of, and valued.

How Overfunctioning Shows up Professionally

In a professional setting, an overfunctioning employee takes on all the responsibility and tasks within a team, even when it's not their role. It can create resentment among coworkers and can definitely hinder team collaboration.
Employees who over function may take on way too much, leading to burnout and workplace stress.

How Overfunctioning Shows up in Relationships

Healthy relationships are built on collaboration and mutual support. An overfunctioning partner might constantly seek to solve the other's problems, making decisions on their behalf, and providing emotional support to an excessive degree; leading to resentment, power imbalances, and lack of trust.
In friendships an overfunctioning friend may consistently offer advice, attempt to rescue their friend from difficult situations, and makes all plans. This ‘so helpful’ behavior can undermine the friend’s ability to handle their own life, and creates an imbalance in the friendship. There may be little room for vulnerability and sharing of emotions, which is crucial for deep connections.
In caregiver roles, such as taking care of an aging parent, an individual may have become an overfunctioner by assuming all kinds of responsibilities, without allowing the cared-for person to maintain their independence. This can lead to the caregiver’s burnout, and the cared-for person feeling wildly disempowered.
Those who over function may lose their sense of self as they become overly focused on meeting the needs and expectations of others.
Overfunctioning can inadvertently enable unhealthy behavior in the other person
Overfunctioning can set unrealistic expectations for both parties involved. The overfunctioner may expect constant appreciation and recognition, while the other person may feel pressure to meet those expectations and to be a walking praise machine.

Ultimately, overfunctioning can lead to the deterioration of a relationship. The strain and imbalance created by overfunctioning can become so overwhelming that it becomes challenging to maintain a healthy, fulfilling connection.

How to Overcome Overfunctioning

It's hard, and it's a lot of what we are going to be working on together in this program. It can take some time to challenge and change the thoughts, beliefs, and behaviours that are contributing to overfunctioning in your own life. But it can be done. And we will work through it together over the next few months.

1.Self Awareness

With lots and LOTS of self compassion, we must first recognize the signs of overfunctioning, and acknowledge that it's not sustainable. We have to really take the time to explore whether or not it is ultimately serving us and our relationships.

2.Learn to Say No

We need to learn to say no. I know it's so hard. We want to people please. We want the people to be pleased with us, and they're not going to be when we stop. But remember - establishing boundaries prioritizes your wellbeing. Boundaries are resentment prevention. By learning to say no you are supporting your nervous system to find more ease around ‘no'.

We will be doing lots of work on this together.

3.Prioritize Self Care Practices

Establish and uphold self-care practices such as mindfulness, meditation, movement. Also, engage in community care practices, like meeting with others, spending time with friends and supportive loved ones, and breaking the silence around overfunctioning. So many of us are engaging in overfunctioning, and feeling totally alone. Healing happens in community.

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Exercise: Overfunctioning

Complete this worksheet or use as a journal prompt, to shed some light on how overfunctioning may be showing up for you. As always, bring it all to group or individual coaching :)